私は大学で哲学を専攻しています。
哲学の講義は、受講していておもしろいと感じます。
当為
もくじ
哲学が確かに生きるためのものであった中学・高校時代
不登校になった１３歳、『これからの「正義」の話をしよう』を手に取った時から、私の哲学との関わりは始まりました。
私はお粗末な脳髄の持ち主なので、読んですべてを理解したわけではありません。
しかし中学生ながらに知的好奇心がくすぐられ、同時に私が迷っている我が人生、愛、正義などの真実に関する道しるべはここにあるのではないかと感じました。
それから高校を卒業するまでずっと、哲学は生きるために、真実を追求するためのものでした。
「真実の不在という真実」にひどく落ち込んだ
高校では部活や劇団にも勤しんだなかなか忙しい学校生活を送りながらも、哲学の端くれを掴んだ時からずっと真実への探求を続けてきました。
しかし真実を求めて辿り着いた答えは「真実がない」ということでした。
自分は哲学に向いている人間だと思って、大学の哲学科に入った
高校で進路を決める段階になり、哲学を学べる大学を探しました。
「真実の不在」に落ち込みながらも、しかしそのようなことを考える自分は哲学をするのに向いているのではないかという希望的観測、
真実がないなら、もう何でも好きにやったらいいじゃないか、という投げやりポジティブな考え、
また大学進学以外の選択肢が自分の中になかったことにも助けられて、
それなりの希望をもって大学の哲学科へ進学しました。
哲学の講義はおもしろいが、違和感を感じた
大学に入り、哲学科の授業はおもしろいと思いました。
語学をたくさんやらなければならない点は大変でしたが、それでも先生の話を聴いているのは楽しかったです。
しかし、どんな思想に興味を持っても、その哲学には「私」がいませんでした。
思想を学んで理解して、語学をやって原典を辿る。
確かに学問として哲学はしているけど、何かが違うと感じていました。
自分は想像以上に、俗なものが好きだと気づいた
そんな中、気づいたことがありました。
田舎の地元から都会の大学に進学した私は、ふと周りを見渡せば、俗なものに溢れた世界にいました。
そこで自分は、実は俗っぽいものが好きだと気づきました。
大衆が好むものが好き。
資本主義の産物が好き。
大量消費されていくものが好き。
地元にいた頃は、学校帰りに寄り道もできず、休日に街に遊びに行くことも滅多になかったため、ほぼ全く触れてこなかったものたち。
息抜き程度に接していたつもりが、気づけば生活の一部となっていました。
当為
気づいた時には、哲学はただ机の上にあるだけのものだった
結局、哲学少女は、俗っぽいものに触れてこなかったから気づかなかっただけで、
俗なものに魅力を感じる普通の人だったのです。
私の人生の癒しは俗なものとの戯れ。
それまでずっと自分の人生を救うために、日常生活を共にしていた哲学は、机の上で会うだけの存在になりました。
哲学は人生を救うものでなければならない
私は、哲学とは人生を救うものでなくてはならないと思います。
そうでなければ、私はそれが本当の生きた哲学とは思えません。
今は完全に、哲学は大学でやるもの。
日常生活とはまったく別のところにある感覚です。
哲学と私の人生を切り離すことができてしまった以上、私に哲学は向いていないと思います。
最後に
学問は学問、生活は生活、と完全に分断してはいないにしても、それに近い状態の大学生はかなり多いと思います。
きっと哲学に向いている人というのは、哲学と日常をずっと共にできる人。
私にはそれができなくなりました。
ただそのような状態を必ずしも悪いとは思いません。
今の自分は非常に生きやすいからです。
当為
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