私事ですが、実は処女膜強靭症の記事に登場する彼氏と破局状態でした。
最終的には突っ込み大作戦をしばし中止することで再スタートをきりましたが、それまでのいきさつを書いてみたいと思います。
＜前の記事を読む＞
【処女膜強靭症 手術後１か月半】それでもやっぱり入らない。
もくじ
電話するたびにケンカ。
遠距離恋愛ということもあり、コミュニケーションの手段は電話が多かったのですが、
電話って結構ケンカになりません？
お互いの表情が見えなくて声色だけ。
２人とも疲れ切っている深夜寝る前に話したくなって電話するのも悪いのか、何となくイライラして、言葉尻を捕らえて、電話で話す度にケンカになっていました。
それでも翌日には仲直りしていたのですが、今回はいつも以上にイラッとして、ついに破局状態になりました。
どうして別れることになってしまったのか。
いろいろ要因はあるのですが、やはり一番大きいのは、“入らないこと”でした。
こんな繊細乙女みたいなことを言うのは恥ずかしいのですが、正直トラウマなんですよね。
もうお手伝いすらしたくない。触りたくもなければ見たくもない、というのが本音です。
付き合いたての頃は人並みに性欲もあったはずなんですが、手術してもなお“入らない”という現実を思い知った今はもう気力が湧いてきません。
彼は「そんなことは付き合う上で関係ない」と言ってくれてはいますが、まだ私が受診する以前、処女膜強靭症と診断される前の言動を思い起こせば、かなり気を使った発言であることは間違いないです。
それに、年齢的にも２０歳そこそこの青年ですから、普通に考えれば欲があって当然ですよね。
彼も彼なりに悩んでいたようで、こんなことをよく言っていました。
「こんなもの切り取っちゃいたい。」
「中国の宦官が去勢されても性欲残ってたらしいからそれ逆にキツいよ。」と無慈悲にもマジレスしてしまったあの時の私を殴りたい。
彼のために入るように努力したい。
でもそもそもどうして嫌なのにしなくちゃいけないの？
みんなできていることなのに、膜を取ってもなおできない。
やっぱり私の我慢が足りないの？
そんなもやもやが頭の中をぐるぐると回って、ホモサピ的に優秀な彼が私なんぞ無能と付き合っていたらいろんな意味でもったいないしつらいのでは？
私にだって、もっと合う人がいるんじゃないかな。
無理に恋人同士でいる必要はあるの？
という考えに至り、ただ私の我が儘の一存で破局という道に踏み出してしまいました。
フリーだった２週間。すっきりした気持ちと、やはり寂しいという気持ち。
明け方にお別れLINEを送りつけたその日は、美術モデルの仕事があったので、ポーズをとりながら、
当為
再度、彼から連絡が来た。
破局から２週間、彼からまた連絡がきました。
本当は既読すらつけないつもりでしたが、気づいたらトーク画面を開いていました。
何でもない会話が続き、彼から電話できる？と聞かれて快諾しました。
彼と電話で話したこと。
彼が話したかったのは、もう一度付き合ってほしいということでした。
この２週間、寂しかったと。
また一緒に過ごしてさえくれればいいと。
私も同じような気持ちでしたが、そのためには一つ越えなければならない“入らない”問題があります。
「もう正直嫌になっちゃったんだ。
だから、しばらく突っ込み大作戦はお休みでもいいって思ってくれるなら、復縁したい。」
いつのまにか私も涙をボロボロこぼしながら、お互いのために正直に伝えてみました。
「そっか…
わかった。
当為ちゃんがいいって言うまでは、そういうことは何も言わない。
また付き合ってくれる？」
そりゃもう…
YES…（曲終わりのウィスパーな感じで）
無事に復縁いたしました。
しばらく「突っ込み大作戦」はお休み。
ということで、彼には申し訳ないけど、しばらく突っ込み大作戦はお休みすることになりました。
少し元気になったらまた病院に行ったり、作戦も慣行したりしたいと思います。
最後まで閲覧して頂きありがとうございました。
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